Conservatism Bittersweet has received from an anonymous source a new recording of a secret meeting between Nancy Pelosi and Adam Schiff. We have withheld the name of our whistle-blower on this major story as our last correspondent responsible for recording such a meeting has lost his hearing when a professional screamer caught him dining at his favorite restaurant. Below, you will find a transcript of that secret meeting, exclusive to Conservatism Bittersweet.
[ For previous transcript revelations, see April 1, 2019; Conservatism Bittersweet transcript]
Pelosi: Sit down Schiffty
Schiff: Please don’t call me that, Ma’am.
Pelosi: I thought it was a badge of honor.
Schiff: Please, Adam.
Pelosi: Enough of this small talk.
Schiff: I don’t do small talk.
Pelosi: Good. Here’s what I want you to do. So far, we have lost everything with this President. We could lose the next election. I don’t want to even think what that could mean to our long-range plans. How do those Republicans elect a teflon president every time out? I don’t understand.
Schiff: I think it was Hillary’s fault. She didn’t get her story lined up.
Pelosi: I’ll pretend I didn’t hear those sexist words.
Schiff: Thank you, Ma’am
Pelosi: Remember, it is the Russians.
Schiff: Oh, Oh, I forgot.
Pelosi: Now here’s the problem. The Mueller report didn’t work. Angry citizens screaming didn’t work. Kavanaugh didn’t work. That leaves just one thing.
Schiff: What’s that?
Pelosi: Impeachment.
Schiff: Impeachment! That is exceptional.
Pelosi: You and I need to work out a plan.
Schiff: Why me? Nadler is head of Judiciary.
Pelosi: That idiot. Why would you call Trump’s campaign manager as a witness? Why not just let Teflon President in here and let him run the House? Why not let him run your [redacted] committee? Why not make him Emperor of the Imperium? Why not . . . [unknown suction sound]
Schiff: Can I help you with that?
Pelosi: Get your [redacted] hands off my teeth.
Schiff: Yes, Ma’am. I’ll wait a moment while you . . . uh, adjust yourself.
Pelosi: Look, here, Schiffty, we need this done right. If I give this assignment to you . . .
Schiff: If not me, then who? Agriculture?
Pelosi: Alright, you got me there. On the other hand, I could put Al Greene in charge of your committee.
Schiff: Hold on! I’ve got some ideas.
Pelosi: Shoot, metaphorically, I mean.
Schiff: I know this guy with the spooks. He can get anything done. I’ll have him send someone over from the administration that doesn’t like Trump. He told me there’s this fellow who worked for Biden that hates Trump. Phase one, we get him to do a whistle-blower job on Trump. That way we can prevent them from knowing who the snitch, I mean, the whistle-blower is.
Pelosi: Brilliant, Adam. I love it. Keep going.
Schiff: The key to the whole thing is secrecy. We can bring in witnesses from the State Department. No one, except Trump appointments, is happy there.
Pelosi: Why the State Department?
Schiff: Because they’re smooth talkers. They can make a cesspool sound like Shangri-La. They can even say two opposite things that contradict each other and make it sound like, “You can keep your policy if you like it, but I know you won’t like it.”
Pelosi: Ok. I can see that. What else.
Schiff: Well, just to avoid the Nadler problem, we hold all the interrogations in secret.
Pelosi: Is that Constitutional?
Schiff: As a lawyer, I can easily make the case. I went to Harvard, you know.
Pelosi: I thought you went to Stanford? In my home state.
Schiff: That was my undergraduate work. I have broad experience.
Pelosi: Oh. I just had a thought. We can’t expose our winning candidates in Trump districts to electoral peril.
Schiff: That is the beauty of secrecy.
Pelosi: You mean, I don’t have to call for a vote?
Schiff: I told you, I am a Harvard Lawyer. We can eventually release the transcripts as long as we don’t let Republicans get answers to their misleading questions.
Pelosi: What about claims of Due Process?
Schiff: Don’t worry. The ACLU is on board.
Pelosi: I think I’ve made a wise choice for this job. But . . .
Schiff: But what?
Pelosi: But we have to make it last. We all know, that when you are telling a story, there is just the right time to end it.
Schiff: The media, the Department of State, the press, academe, Robert De Niro, it will never end.
Pelosi: Excellent start. But what if that doesn’t work?
Schiff: I thinking of several disgruntled generals we can influence. Mass marches on the capital—no, no, every state capital. Ma’am, what are you doing?
Pelosi: I’m praying for you.