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NOT FAKE NEWS

Conservatism Bittersweet always endeavors to bring the latest insider news from the farthest reaches of politics. Consequently, we have received an insider transcript from a non-Russian source which we wish to share with our readers.

This revealing portrait of a conversation between two Democrat operatives is particularly relevant to today’s national debate over who should be President of the United States. We have hidden the actual names in order to protect our sources. We shall call them JP and TP. The actual conversation took place within the last two weeks of this posting. Please note, that verification of the conversation as provided to us (and you), is pursuant to the highest standards as set by the New York Times and Washington Post. You can trust us.

 

JP: Have you seen the latest Joe Biden gaffe?

TP: Now what? Joe said he protested in the South while campaigning in the 60’s and got arrested in South Africa while working with Mandela. We haven’t been able to sell that. Another gaffe and, well, we are cooked.

JP: It’s worse this time.

TP: Couldn’t be. What?

JP: He told a black man that he wasn’t black unless he voted for Joe.

TP: Isn’t that true?

JP: Yeah, but it is a statement that can easily be misinterpreted.

TP: Are you sure he was a black man.

JP: Granted, the DNA test hasn’t come in yet—we got a swab from a Pepsi can after our operatives followed him into a 7-ll maintained by an Indian.

TP: You mean, Native American.

JP: No, I mean an East Indian.

TP: Oh.

JP: So, we are pretty sure he was actually an African American.

TP: How could that be?

JP: He was very dark and had kinky hair.

TP: No, I mean, he might have been a disguised operative from the Trump camp.

JP: Not likely. The only people good enough with make-up to make him look like a black guy are on our side—you know, Hollywood make-up artists.

TP: You mean, the ones who try to make Robert De Niro look young.

JP: Yeah, they’d have to be even better than that.

TP: Okay, until we get DNA proof, we have to assume this guy was African American, but what was he doing talking to Joe?

JP: It was from the controlled basement setting.

TP: I think they need us. This is awful.

JP: True, but you know we have to stay hidden a little longer until the resurrection happens.

TP: Yeah, next year when Joe wins.

JP: Not so fast.

TP: What do you mean, not so fast?

JP: Well, there is a problem. It looks like the one sure bet—the African American vote didn’t like the comment.

TP: Just because he said you aren’t black if you’re a Trump supporter?

JP: They misinterpreted the comment.

TP: I don’t get it. How did they do that?

JP: They didn’t like the idea of a white guy telling a black guy that he wasn’t black, even though he was right. He should have said, you have been brainwashed by Trump lies.

TP: Ok, I guess that’s better. If this happens again . . .

JP: Won’t happen again. We’ve installed an earpiece into Joe’s right cochlea. Hillary is going to be whispering in his ear the correct answers by remote control.

TP: Can we trust her?

JP: Stupid question. She told me personally, she was only trying to help Joe win.

TP: So, after this all broke loose, what did Joe’s handler’s say?

JP: They said it was a joke.

TP: I see—to give the impression that Joe has a sense of humor.

JP: Exactly.

TP: Ah, brilliant.

JP: Well, not exactly. The brothers and sisters are still a little miffed.

TP: Can we get Kamala and Stacey to smooth things out.

JP: Yup, they are reliable. They will plead forgiveness.

TP: Isn’t that religious?

JP: Yeah, but it’s only temporary.

TP: But what if it happens again?

JP: I just told you . . .

TP: I know—Hillary. Then I have to ask, what else could go wrong?

JP: Hmmmm. Hillary might faint in the middle of an answer.

TP: Maybe CNN or Google can edit his answers.

JP: Of course, they’ll edit his answers O-U-T.

TP: We need something to stimulate her during her help sessions.

JP: True. How about some Vodka.

TP: Good answer.

JP: Anything else?

TP: Isn’t Joe looking for a black woman for Vice President?

JP: Yeah, probably need that more than ever now.

TP: Well, yes. I was at the drug store last week and I’m worried.

JP: Yeah, so?

TP: I saw Hillary at the counter with a bottle. At the time, I didn’t think about it, but now . . . .

JP: Okay, Spill it. What was she buying?

TP: Tanning lotion.

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A CONFEDERACY OF DUNCES

We are often charmed by the mistaken words of children who mangle new sounds or fall awkwardly as they try to take their first steps. Not so charming are the flubs and failures of older children—especially those called Democrats.

Here is the explanation. The long-awaited Iowa Caucuses descended on that great State yesterday (2/3/20). The Republican version, with a single candidate, Donald Trump, passed by the public quietly. Progressive, Democrat politics, with its polyglot, babbling team of desperate power seekers, was where the action was. As of the next morning, the results were not in. The reason: Democrats had arranged to report the individual caucus results by way of a high-tech app prepared by the Democrats themselves. The idea was to bring instant results to the news-hungry press awaiting the kickoff event of the next presidential election cycle.

The app and the backup provisions failed dramatically. Even the sycophantic left-wing press was left out to dry. The Progressives provided Conservatives with a dramatic metaphor illustrating the weakness in the idea that Progressive wisdom anticipates the future with brilliant plans. If only the rest of the world could understand their genius. Conservatism Bittersweet has compiled some of the internet comments generated after the Iowa fiasco. At last report, every candidate declared victory and is moving on to New Hampshire.

(All comments are original spelling and grammar)

Vote for me I’ll give ya free food housing school medical, the evil rich can paywe will force them to stay and pay pay pay   —Mystateisbroke.mmmm

Put a fork in the dem party, they’re done. LOL   —PamMar

Whole lotta Russian Trash posting here.   –MyNameisNoneOfYourBusiness

DemocRATS can’t run an impeachment, DemocRATS can’t run an election, and we should all make sure that DemocRATS can’t run the United States government.   –JeauxBleaux

Only the Dims cold make things worse by using technology.   –stillfree2

Bernie Sanders was correct iin saying that the Iowa Democrat Caucus would be a reflection of the 2020 Elections.    –DeBugsy338

Dems – “We have met the Russians, and they are us.”   —walawalabingbang

Once again, the dems prove that they are the best campaigners for Trump’s re-election.   –AlGoreinventedEverything

They should have let the Caucus-goers count themselves…   —LongDucDong

AND; If all else fails the alledged Democrat party has their elite “super-delegates” to rig their primary however they see fit. What a screwed-up party.   –JDJacobs

For the Republicans, Iowa really IS heaven.    –EaglesSBchamps

They are hoping JFK comes wandering out of a corn field.   –PhilSS014

Hillary’s IT people mravon619

The Dems can’t stand Bernie, it’s an all out internalized war within the party..good entertainment   —Momma’sLilSnowflake

Not that you need additional evidence, that Democrats are inept. However, marinate on this thought for awhile. The dems can not run a voting Caucus that they themselves deigned. Trump 2020   —-OutOfTheirSkulls

“It will take some time for the results.” Isn’t this what they told us about Obama Scare?   —IMINCHARGE165

For the Democrat establishment this is an outcome that is much worse than an outright Bernie victory. It reflects on the party as a whole! Ask yourself qui bono? That is why some rank and file Democrats this morning are asking Adam Schiff to investigate a potential Trump-Putin collusion to sabotage the Iowa Caucuses. No hacking necessary, the software had probably been tampered with before it was installed.   –nikolaus

Those darn Ukrainians, they are messing with our election process.  YRUsoPC

We’re not keeping score. All candidates will get a participation trophy!!   —BlahDeeBlah

“Don’t worry Iowans, we are rigging this as fast as we can” –IDP   —MacWatts

Ghose Russians, again..   –Loshonores

Anytime you want ANYTHING turned in a massive Charlie Foxtrot, hand it to the minority and poor-exploiting, dishonest talking points belching, divisive lie-fueled identity politics dependent DEMS.   –ChromeSteedRider

I don’t understand how the democrats can use a caucus instead of a full primary vote. Aren’t they the ones that are concerned that every vote counts? And isn’t a caucus just a few people voting for the rest of the citizens of Iowa?   —Statoil 

Paper Ballots…..THINK about it   —FightCensors

Now let us run the country say the Democrats.   –paramenides

You simply can not make this stuff up….take a good look America….when you vote democrat, you are voting to make America a third world Country…none for me thanks!   —Askmeno

Dems trying to rig another election   —captrob68

I smell BleachBit…..Clacald

LOL. This is why you don’t let the dems run the country. LOL. DonaldTrumpWON

Is Brenda Snipes counting the votes in Iowa? “Failing Together: should be the motto of the Dem party. The Democrat Party interfered in another election – their own, in Iowa. They did a better job voting in Iraq. TrumpIsLegend304

It doesn’t matter who votes ! It only matters who counts the votes !   —angrytaxpayer2

Pretty clear who will win in November. Hence the coup attempts.   –Emperor

The bottom line here, much like with the partisan impeachment campaign, is that in 2020 all Democrats are the losers.   –5326American

Shadow app developers “advanced progressive causes through innovative communications” worked for Obama and Clinton’s. What could go wrong?   —brother11

Next, AOC will be serving drinks at the bar in New Hampshire   —FightCensors

Well, Iowa used to be known for politics and hogs. Now, just hogs.   –BTodd

They even cheat against each other. Is there one competent, honest, and decent Dem? I’m still looking. C’monSense690

Calm down dems. You’ll get your results as soon as they know that Biden is the winner. Infidelophile

Democrats can’t even win their own rigged elections….–Beanomac169

Eventually they will find some missing ballots in Hillary’s car trunk   —viknat556

Are they re-distributing the votes?   —DisplayName075

This is great!!! LMAO Watching the Snakes start to eat each other.   –TomWorthley1703

They should have learned from Obama. On caucus day, you bus in supporters from Chicago giving you the option to tally the votes several days in advance and therefore put a stop to embarrassing count discrepancies. Now that is being efficient! (Yes, I know it is illegal, but it is only a problem when you get caught.”   —GoferBaroque644

President Trump will have more FLEXIBILITY after this re-election and the House switches back to the GOP   —TimeForAmerica2WakeUp

Looks like Trump won the democratic caucus.    –RussianCollusionHoax

The Democrat Caucus is an unmitigated disaster. Nothing works, just like they ran the Country. Remember the 5 Billion Dollar Obamacare Website, that should have cost 2% of that. The only Person that can claim a very big victory in Iowa last night is “Trump”   —Donald J. Trump

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Conspiracy TV-THE BIG SCOOP

Conservatism Bittersweet has received from an anonymous source a new recording of a secret meeting between Nancy Pelosi and Adam Schiff. We have withheld the name of our whistle-blower on this major story as our last correspondent responsible for recording such a meeting has lost his hearing when a professional screamer caught him dining at his favorite restaurant. Below, you will find a transcript of that secret meeting, exclusive to Conservatism Bittersweet.

[ For previous transcript revelations, see April 1, 2019; Conservatism Bittersweet transcript]

 

Pelosi: Sit down Schiffty

Schiff: Please don’t call me that, Ma’am.

Pelosi: I thought it was a badge of honor.

Schiff: Please, Adam.

Pelosi: Enough of this small talk.

Schiff: I don’t do small talk.

Pelosi: Good. Here’s what I want you to do. So far, we have lost everything with this President. We could lose the next election. I don’t want to even think what that could mean to our long-range plans. How do those Republicans elect a teflon president every time out? I don’t understand.

Schiff: I think it was Hillary’s fault. She didn’t get her story lined up.

Pelosi: I’ll pretend I didn’t hear those sexist words.

Schiff: Thank you, Ma’am

Pelosi: Remember, it is the Russians.

Schiff: Oh, Oh, I forgot.

Pelosi: Now here’s the problem. The Mueller report didn’t work. Angry citizens screaming didn’t work. Kavanaugh didn’t work. That leaves just one thing.

Schiff: What’s that?

Pelosi: Impeachment.

Schiff: Impeachment! That is exceptional.

Pelosi: You and I need to work out a plan.

Schiff: Why me? Nadler is head of Judiciary.

Pelosi: That idiot. Why would you call Trump’s campaign manager as a witness? Why not just let Teflon President in here and let him run the House? Why not let him run your [redacted] committee? Why not make him Emperor of the Imperium? Why not . . . [unknown suction sound]

Schiff: Can I help you with that?

Pelosi: Get your [redacted] hands off my teeth.

Schiff: Yes, Ma’am. I’ll wait a moment while you . . . uh, adjust yourself.

Pelosi: Look, here, Schiffty, we need this done right. If I give this assignment to you . . .

Schiff: If not me, then who? Agriculture?

Pelosi: Alright, you got me there. On the other hand, I could put Al Greene in charge of your committee.

Schiff: Hold on! I’ve got some ideas.

Pelosi: Shoot, metaphorically, I mean.

Schiff: I know this guy with the spooks. He can get anything done. I’ll have him send someone over from the administration that doesn’t like Trump. He told me there’s this fellow who worked for Biden that hates Trump. Phase one, we get him to do a whistle-blower job on Trump. That way we can prevent them from knowing who the snitch, I mean, the whistle-blower is.

Pelosi: Brilliant, Adam. I love it. Keep going.

Schiff: The key to the whole thing is secrecy. We can bring in witnesses from the State Department. No one, except Trump appointments, is happy there.

Pelosi: Why the State Department?

Schiff: Because they’re smooth talkers. They can make a cesspool sound like Shangri-La. They can even say two opposite things that contradict each other and make it sound like, “You can keep your policy if you like it, but I know you won’t like it.”

Pelosi: Ok. I can see that. What else.

Schiff: Well, just to avoid the Nadler problem, we hold all the interrogations in secret.

Pelosi: Is that Constitutional?

Schiff: As a lawyer, I can easily make the case. I went to Harvard, you know.

Pelosi: I thought you went to Stanford? In my home state.

Schiff: That was my undergraduate work. I have broad experience.

Pelosi: Oh. I just had a thought. We can’t expose our winning candidates in Trump districts to electoral peril.

Schiff: That is the beauty of secrecy.

Pelosi: You mean, I don’t have to call for a vote?

Schiff: I told you, I am a Harvard Lawyer. We can eventually release the transcripts as long as we don’t let Republicans get answers to their misleading questions.

Pelosi: What about claims of Due Process?

Schiff: Don’t worry. The ACLU is on board.

Pelosi: I think I’ve made a wise choice for this job. But . . .

Schiff: But what?

Pelosi: But we have to make it last. We all know, that when you are telling a story, there is just the right time to end it.

Schiff: The media, the Department of State, the press, academe, Robert De Niro, it will never end.

Pelosi: Excellent start. But what if that doesn’t work?

Schiff: I thinking of several disgruntled generals we can influence. Mass marches on the capital—no, no, every state capital. Ma’am, what are you doing?

Pelosi: I’m praying for you.

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Conspiracy TV—This Channel Knows What You’re Thinking

Conservatism Bittersweet wishes to announce that it has received a transcript from an anonymous source concerning a meeting between Adam Schiff, Gerald Nadler and the well-known (but unnamed for defensive reasons) host of Conspiracy TV’s hit blog, What Do You Know? In the interest of transparency and truth, CB is providing this service to our readers. The following is unedited and unredacted.

CTV: Congressman Nadler and Schiff, welcome to our humble studio. We rarely have two white males on our campus at the same time. It looks bad.

Schiff: The studio was hard to find. I had to call John Brennan to locate this place. I found it anyway.

Nadler: Yea, me too. I had to ride with Schifty.

Schiff: I told you not to call me that.

Nadler: Sorry, it just slipped out.

CTV: Gentlemen, I mean Gentlepersons. Conspiracy TV has gone through a wrenching ratings plunge. Our alliance has some strains right now. I’m hoping we can come to some agreement as to how we are going to rebound from the temporary setback caused by the Mueller Report.

Nadler: Of course, we double down. We know Trump has a pipeline to the Kremlin. It’s just a matter of finding it.

Schiff: That’s it exactly. We also need to know who got to Mueller.

Nadler: He is a Republican.

Schiff: That is the first clue.

Nadler: Trump is the one, obviously.

CTV: But how did he get to Mueller.

Nadler: He probably promised him a cushy, top job with the Trump organization after our candidate, whoever she is, beats him in 2020 and he goes back to Mar-a-Lago.

Schiff: That is likely. But there is another possibility, we impeach him.

Nadler: that would be easier, but no guarantee. It took the Republicans a full two years just to squeeze some misleading information out of Justice on Hillary.

CTV: Yes, we wondered about that. Tell me it wasn’t true that Hillary bought and paid for the whole dossier, then lost the election.

Schiff: I don’t want to talk about that. That was two years of misery, having to listen to that crap they were putting out.

CTV: Gentlepersons, let’s stick to the reason why we are meeting here.

Schiff: Your ratings?

CTV: No, sir. I meant, how do we get that anti-Progressive president out of office.

Nadler: It’s all about narrative. The public likes a good story, not a lot of statistics.

Schiff: True, but it has to be woven from the great work we’ve already done using the dossier to prove that Trump is a slime ball. I think about attacking his family. They are his support system. Maybe you could find another dossier and use the anonymous source route here at Conspiracy TV to keep his impure thoughts in the news.

CTV: I’ll put some of our best people on that. It’s not hard to find a typical citizen Trump has made into an enemy—Alec Baldwin, Robert De Niro. We need to think big.

Nadler: Meanwhile, we can keep the committee busy with demands from those nitwits running the White House.

Schiff: The more people we can get going on this the better. Publicity is our friend.

Nadler. Quantity and . . .

Schiff: Saying it loud. I’ll get Nancy to move ahead with the shock troops: Ocasio-Cortez, Tlaib, Omar, the gang of three.

CTV: Aren’t they falling down in ratings? We watch those very closely here.

Nadler: Not really a problem. Nancy will just have to tell them to turn up the megaphone.

Schiff: Have those ladies say that they are pregnant by Trump—you know they were walking in Central Park and were attacked by Trump.

Nadler: Okay, but AOC only. She’s a New Yorker, that will add credibility.

CTV: Wait a minute! We can’t make her get pregnant, carry a fetus, and give birth, just to go along with us. She won’t go along because more children in the world will cause carbon harm to the Earth.

Schiff: Look, she doesn’t have to do all those things. She just says she exercised her right of choice. That’s how you get rid of the evidence.

Nadler: Oh. You’re really good at this stuff.

Schiff: I’ve had a lot of practice.

CTV: Maybe we could get Hillary pregnant.

Schiff: What.

CTV: I was just joking.

Schiff: I was laughing too.

Nadler: But your lips weren’t moving.

CTV: You know, Congresspersons, I think we have a plan. We can embellish it as we go along, but I like what we’ve done to this point.

Schiff: Yes, I agree.

Nadler: I agree too.

CTV: It’s been an honor to have you in our studio this evening. Let me check behind the curtains to make sure there isn’t a MAGA hat outside waiting for you.

Nadler: You ready to go Pencil Neck.

Schiff: I told you not to call me that!