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Conspiracy TV-THE BIG SCOOP

Conservatism Bittersweet has received from an anonymous source a new recording of a secret meeting between Nancy Pelosi and Adam Schiff. We have withheld the name of our whistle-blower on this major story as our last correspondent responsible for recording such a meeting has lost his hearing when a professional screamer caught him dining at his favorite restaurant. Below, you will find a transcript of that secret meeting, exclusive to Conservatism Bittersweet.

[ For previous transcript revelations, see April 1, 2019; Conservatism Bittersweet transcript]

 

Pelosi: Sit down Schiffty

Schiff: Please don’t call me that, Ma’am.

Pelosi: I thought it was a badge of honor.

Schiff: Please, Adam.

Pelosi: Enough of this small talk.

Schiff: I don’t do small talk.

Pelosi: Good. Here’s what I want you to do. So far, we have lost everything with this President. We could lose the next election. I don’t want to even think what that could mean to our long-range plans. How do those Republicans elect a teflon president every time out? I don’t understand.

Schiff: I think it was Hillary’s fault. She didn’t get her story lined up.

Pelosi: I’ll pretend I didn’t hear those sexist words.

Schiff: Thank you, Ma’am

Pelosi: Remember, it is the Russians.

Schiff: Oh, Oh, I forgot.

Pelosi: Now here’s the problem. The Mueller report didn’t work. Angry citizens screaming didn’t work. Kavanaugh didn’t work. That leaves just one thing.

Schiff: What’s that?

Pelosi: Impeachment.

Schiff: Impeachment! That is exceptional.

Pelosi: You and I need to work out a plan.

Schiff: Why me? Nadler is head of Judiciary.

Pelosi: That idiot. Why would you call Trump’s campaign manager as a witness? Why not just let Teflon President in here and let him run the House? Why not let him run your [redacted] committee? Why not make him Emperor of the Imperium? Why not . . . [unknown suction sound]

Schiff: Can I help you with that?

Pelosi: Get your [redacted] hands off my teeth.

Schiff: Yes, Ma’am. I’ll wait a moment while you . . . uh, adjust yourself.

Pelosi: Look, here, Schiffty, we need this done right. If I give this assignment to you . . .

Schiff: If not me, then who? Agriculture?

Pelosi: Alright, you got me there. On the other hand, I could put Al Greene in charge of your committee.

Schiff: Hold on! I’ve got some ideas.

Pelosi: Shoot, metaphorically, I mean.

Schiff: I know this guy with the spooks. He can get anything done. I’ll have him send someone over from the administration that doesn’t like Trump. He told me there’s this fellow who worked for Biden that hates Trump. Phase one, we get him to do a whistle-blower job on Trump. That way we can prevent them from knowing who the snitch, I mean, the whistle-blower is.

Pelosi: Brilliant, Adam. I love it. Keep going.

Schiff: The key to the whole thing is secrecy. We can bring in witnesses from the State Department. No one, except Trump appointments, is happy there.

Pelosi: Why the State Department?

Schiff: Because they’re smooth talkers. They can make a cesspool sound like Shangri-La. They can even say two opposite things that contradict each other and make it sound like, “You can keep your policy if you like it, but I know you won’t like it.”

Pelosi: Ok. I can see that. What else.

Schiff: Well, just to avoid the Nadler problem, we hold all the interrogations in secret.

Pelosi: Is that Constitutional?

Schiff: As a lawyer, I can easily make the case. I went to Harvard, you know.

Pelosi: I thought you went to Stanford? In my home state.

Schiff: That was my undergraduate work. I have broad experience.

Pelosi: Oh. I just had a thought. We can’t expose our winning candidates in Trump districts to electoral peril.

Schiff: That is the beauty of secrecy.

Pelosi: You mean, I don’t have to call for a vote?

Schiff: I told you, I am a Harvard Lawyer. We can eventually release the transcripts as long as we don’t let Republicans get answers to their misleading questions.

Pelosi: What about claims of Due Process?

Schiff: Don’t worry. The ACLU is on board.

Pelosi: I think I’ve made a wise choice for this job. But . . .

Schiff: But what?

Pelosi: But we have to make it last. We all know, that when you are telling a story, there is just the right time to end it.

Schiff: The media, the Department of State, the press, academe, Robert De Niro, it will never end.

Pelosi: Excellent start. But what if that doesn’t work?

Schiff: I thinking of several disgruntled generals we can influence. Mass marches on the capital—no, no, every state capital. Ma’am, what are you doing?

Pelosi: I’m praying for you.

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Conspiracy TV—This Channel Knows What You’re Thinking

Conservatism Bittersweet wishes to announce that it has received a transcript from an anonymous source concerning a meeting between Adam Schiff, Gerald Nadler and the well-known (but unnamed for defensive reasons) host of Conspiracy TV’s hit blog, What Do You Know? In the interest of transparency and truth, CB is providing this service to our readers. The following is unedited and unredacted.

CTV: Congressman Nadler and Schiff, welcome to our humble studio. We rarely have two white males on our campus at the same time. It looks bad.

Schiff: The studio was hard to find. I had to call John Brennan to locate this place. I found it anyway.

Nadler: Yea, me too. I had to ride with Schifty.

Schiff: I told you not to call me that.

Nadler: Sorry, it just slipped out.

CTV: Gentlemen, I mean Gentlepersons. Conspiracy TV has gone through a wrenching ratings plunge. Our alliance has some strains right now. I’m hoping we can come to some agreement as to how we are going to rebound from the temporary setback caused by the Mueller Report.

Nadler: Of course, we double down. We know Trump has a pipeline to the Kremlin. It’s just a matter of finding it.

Schiff: That’s it exactly. We also need to know who got to Mueller.

Nadler: He is a Republican.

Schiff: That is the first clue.

Nadler: Trump is the one, obviously.

CTV: But how did he get to Mueller.

Nadler: He probably promised him a cushy, top job with the Trump organization after our candidate, whoever she is, beats him in 2020 and he goes back to Mar-a-Lago.

Schiff: That is likely. But there is another possibility, we impeach him.

Nadler: that would be easier, but no guarantee. It took the Republicans a full two years just to squeeze some misleading information out of Justice on Hillary.

CTV: Yes, we wondered about that. Tell me it wasn’t true that Hillary bought and paid for the whole dossier, then lost the election.

Schiff: I don’t want to talk about that. That was two years of misery, having to listen to that crap they were putting out.

CTV: Gentlepersons, let’s stick to the reason why we are meeting here.

Schiff: Your ratings?

CTV: No, sir. I meant, how do we get that anti-Progressive president out of office.

Nadler: It’s all about narrative. The public likes a good story, not a lot of statistics.

Schiff: True, but it has to be woven from the great work we’ve already done using the dossier to prove that Trump is a slime ball. I think about attacking his family. They are his support system. Maybe you could find another dossier and use the anonymous source route here at Conspiracy TV to keep his impure thoughts in the news.

CTV: I’ll put some of our best people on that. It’s not hard to find a typical citizen Trump has made into an enemy—Alec Baldwin, Robert De Niro. We need to think big.

Nadler: Meanwhile, we can keep the committee busy with demands from those nitwits running the White House.

Schiff: The more people we can get going on this the better. Publicity is our friend.

Nadler. Quantity and . . .

Schiff: Saying it loud. I’ll get Nancy to move ahead with the shock troops: Ocasio-Cortez, Tlaib, Omar, the gang of three.

CTV: Aren’t they falling down in ratings? We watch those very closely here.

Nadler: Not really a problem. Nancy will just have to tell them to turn up the megaphone.

Schiff: Have those ladies say that they are pregnant by Trump—you know they were walking in Central Park and were attacked by Trump.

Nadler: Okay, but AOC only. She’s a New Yorker, that will add credibility.

CTV: Wait a minute! We can’t make her get pregnant, carry a fetus, and give birth, just to go along with us. She won’t go along because more children in the world will cause carbon harm to the Earth.

Schiff: Look, she doesn’t have to do all those things. She just says she exercised her right of choice. That’s how you get rid of the evidence.

Nadler: Oh. You’re really good at this stuff.

Schiff: I’ve had a lot of practice.

CTV: Maybe we could get Hillary pregnant.

Schiff: What.

CTV: I was just joking.

Schiff: I was laughing too.

Nadler: But your lips weren’t moving.

CTV: You know, Congresspersons, I think we have a plan. We can embellish it as we go along, but I like what we’ve done to this point.

Schiff: Yes, I agree.

Nadler: I agree too.

CTV: It’s been an honor to have you in our studio this evening. Let me check behind the curtains to make sure there isn’t a MAGA hat outside waiting for you.

Nadler: You ready to go Pencil Neck.

Schiff: I told you not to call me that!