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NOT FAKE NEWS

Conservatism Bittersweet always endeavors to bring the latest insider news from the farthest reaches of politics. Consequently, we have received an insider transcript from a non-Russian source which we wish to share with our readers.

This revealing portrait of a conversation between two Democrat operatives is particularly relevant to today’s national debate over who should be President of the United States. We have hidden the actual names in order to protect our sources. We shall call them JP and TP. The actual conversation took place within the last two weeks of this posting. Please note, that verification of the conversation as provided to us (and you), is pursuant to the highest standards as set by the New York Times and Washington Post. You can trust us.

 

JP: Have you seen the latest Joe Biden gaffe?

TP: Now what? Joe said he protested in the South while campaigning in the 60’s and got arrested in South Africa while working with Mandela. We haven’t been able to sell that. Another gaffe and, well, we are cooked.

JP: It’s worse this time.

TP: Couldn’t be. What?

JP: He told a black man that he wasn’t black unless he voted for Joe.

TP: Isn’t that true?

JP: Yeah, but it is a statement that can easily be misinterpreted.

TP: Are you sure he was a black man.

JP: Granted, the DNA test hasn’t come in yet—we got a swab from a Pepsi can after our operatives followed him into a 7-ll maintained by an Indian.

TP: You mean, Native American.

JP: No, I mean an East Indian.

TP: Oh.

JP: So, we are pretty sure he was actually an African American.

TP: How could that be?

JP: He was very dark and had kinky hair.

TP: No, I mean, he might have been a disguised operative from the Trump camp.

JP: Not likely. The only people good enough with make-up to make him look like a black guy are on our side—you know, Hollywood make-up artists.

TP: You mean, the ones who try to make Robert De Niro look young.

JP: Yeah, they’d have to be even better than that.

TP: Okay, until we get DNA proof, we have to assume this guy was African American, but what was he doing talking to Joe?

JP: It was from the controlled basement setting.

TP: I think they need us. This is awful.

JP: True, but you know we have to stay hidden a little longer until the resurrection happens.

TP: Yeah, next year when Joe wins.

JP: Not so fast.

TP: What do you mean, not so fast?

JP: Well, there is a problem. It looks like the one sure bet—the African American vote didn’t like the comment.

TP: Just because he said you aren’t black if you’re a Trump supporter?

JP: They misinterpreted the comment.

TP: I don’t get it. How did they do that?

JP: They didn’t like the idea of a white guy telling a black guy that he wasn’t black, even though he was right. He should have said, you have been brainwashed by Trump lies.

TP: Ok, I guess that’s better. If this happens again . . .

JP: Won’t happen again. We’ve installed an earpiece into Joe’s right cochlea. Hillary is going to be whispering in his ear the correct answers by remote control.

TP: Can we trust her?

JP: Stupid question. She told me personally, she was only trying to help Joe win.

TP: So, after this all broke loose, what did Joe’s handler’s say?

JP: They said it was a joke.

TP: I see—to give the impression that Joe has a sense of humor.

JP: Exactly.

TP: Ah, brilliant.

JP: Well, not exactly. The brothers and sisters are still a little miffed.

TP: Can we get Kamala and Stacey to smooth things out.

JP: Yup, they are reliable. They will plead forgiveness.

TP: Isn’t that religious?

JP: Yeah, but it’s only temporary.

TP: But what if it happens again?

JP: I just told you . . .

TP: I know—Hillary. Then I have to ask, what else could go wrong?

JP: Hmmmm. Hillary might faint in the middle of an answer.

TP: Maybe CNN or Google can edit his answers.

JP: Of course, they’ll edit his answers O-U-T.

TP: We need something to stimulate her during her help sessions.

JP: True. How about some Vodka.

TP: Good answer.

JP: Anything else?

TP: Isn’t Joe looking for a black woman for Vice President?

JP: Yeah, probably need that more than ever now.

TP: Well, yes. I was at the drug store last week and I’m worried.

JP: Yeah, so?

TP: I saw Hillary at the counter with a bottle. At the time, I didn’t think about it, but now . . . .

JP: Okay, Spill it. What was she buying?

TP: Tanning lotion.

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Conspiracy TV—This Channel Knows What You’re Thinking

Conservatism Bittersweet wishes to announce that it has received a transcript from an anonymous source concerning a meeting between Adam Schiff, Gerald Nadler and the well-known (but unnamed for defensive reasons) host of Conspiracy TV’s hit blog, What Do You Know? In the interest of transparency and truth, CB is providing this service to our readers. The following is unedited and unredacted.

CTV: Congressman Nadler and Schiff, welcome to our humble studio. We rarely have two white males on our campus at the same time. It looks bad.

Schiff: The studio was hard to find. I had to call John Brennan to locate this place. I found it anyway.

Nadler: Yea, me too. I had to ride with Schifty.

Schiff: I told you not to call me that.

Nadler: Sorry, it just slipped out.

CTV: Gentlemen, I mean Gentlepersons. Conspiracy TV has gone through a wrenching ratings plunge. Our alliance has some strains right now. I’m hoping we can come to some agreement as to how we are going to rebound from the temporary setback caused by the Mueller Report.

Nadler: Of course, we double down. We know Trump has a pipeline to the Kremlin. It’s just a matter of finding it.

Schiff: That’s it exactly. We also need to know who got to Mueller.

Nadler: He is a Republican.

Schiff: That is the first clue.

Nadler: Trump is the one, obviously.

CTV: But how did he get to Mueller.

Nadler: He probably promised him a cushy, top job with the Trump organization after our candidate, whoever she is, beats him in 2020 and he goes back to Mar-a-Lago.

Schiff: That is likely. But there is another possibility, we impeach him.

Nadler: that would be easier, but no guarantee. It took the Republicans a full two years just to squeeze some misleading information out of Justice on Hillary.

CTV: Yes, we wondered about that. Tell me it wasn’t true that Hillary bought and paid for the whole dossier, then lost the election.

Schiff: I don’t want to talk about that. That was two years of misery, having to listen to that crap they were putting out.

CTV: Gentlepersons, let’s stick to the reason why we are meeting here.

Schiff: Your ratings?

CTV: No, sir. I meant, how do we get that anti-Progressive president out of office.

Nadler: It’s all about narrative. The public likes a good story, not a lot of statistics.

Schiff: True, but it has to be woven from the great work we’ve already done using the dossier to prove that Trump is a slime ball. I think about attacking his family. They are his support system. Maybe you could find another dossier and use the anonymous source route here at Conspiracy TV to keep his impure thoughts in the news.

CTV: I’ll put some of our best people on that. It’s not hard to find a typical citizen Trump has made into an enemy—Alec Baldwin, Robert De Niro. We need to think big.

Nadler: Meanwhile, we can keep the committee busy with demands from those nitwits running the White House.

Schiff: The more people we can get going on this the better. Publicity is our friend.

Nadler. Quantity and . . .

Schiff: Saying it loud. I’ll get Nancy to move ahead with the shock troops: Ocasio-Cortez, Tlaib, Omar, the gang of three.

CTV: Aren’t they falling down in ratings? We watch those very closely here.

Nadler: Not really a problem. Nancy will just have to tell them to turn up the megaphone.

Schiff: Have those ladies say that they are pregnant by Trump—you know they were walking in Central Park and were attacked by Trump.

Nadler: Okay, but AOC only. She’s a New Yorker, that will add credibility.

CTV: Wait a minute! We can’t make her get pregnant, carry a fetus, and give birth, just to go along with us. She won’t go along because more children in the world will cause carbon harm to the Earth.

Schiff: Look, she doesn’t have to do all those things. She just says she exercised her right of choice. That’s how you get rid of the evidence.

Nadler: Oh. You’re really good at this stuff.

Schiff: I’ve had a lot of practice.

CTV: Maybe we could get Hillary pregnant.

Schiff: What.

CTV: I was just joking.

Schiff: I was laughing too.

Nadler: But your lips weren’t moving.

CTV: You know, Congresspersons, I think we have a plan. We can embellish it as we go along, but I like what we’ve done to this point.

Schiff: Yes, I agree.

Nadler: I agree too.

CTV: It’s been an honor to have you in our studio this evening. Let me check behind the curtains to make sure there isn’t a MAGA hat outside waiting for you.

Nadler: You ready to go Pencil Neck.

Schiff: I told you not to call me that!