Your foot is your enemy in politics. Remember this: your foot should not be deployed. Politicians, do not “shoot yourself in the foot,” or put your “foot in your mouth.” Lefties go beyond mere talk and deploy their collective feet in deed as well as word. Indeed, it can be hard to keep up with their foot deployment. Here is an actual secret dialogue obtained by Conservatism Bittersweet from previously unpublished accounts* of an interview by Secretary Clinton’s and the sycophantic press to which she has been accustomed:
SP: If you were a color, what color would you be?
HC: I think It would be the color purple, after the manner of that wonderful African American movie of the same name. You know how I value African Americans. They still suffer at the hands of the American Enterprise Institute inspired racism and by deplorable people who want to work at jobs with choking carbon dioxide emissions. That’s why we needed . . .
SP: Thank you for that amazing answer. Let me ask you another question. You have been criticized for your use of equipment which every Secretary of State has had for years. Do you think the opposition misunderstands your professional needs?
HC: We all need equipment in our jobs. The Secretary of State’s job is thankless enough without having to use outdated government equipment. I was generous enough to save the taxpayer the cost of the equipment I used. And I might add, until the snoops perverted my intentions, I was not going to mention my generous donation to our beloved United States Treasury.
SP: That was a wonderful exposition on the value of having your own server. But weren’t you worried that the idea of your own server might be used against you?
HC: [Hillary chortles] Oh, no, no, no. Who would suspect that the Russians would violate American law so blatantly.
SP: You were Secretary of . . .
HC: Oh, look, it’s my friend Donna Brazile. Come on in Donna and sit down next to me.
SP: Welcome, Donna.
HC: Did you get the shot of us holding hands. A white woman and a black woman.
SP: Definitely, yes. And what is that piece of paper you are handing Secretary Clinton?
DB: Oh, merely an affirmation. Secretary Clinton, just as anyone would after a stolen election, needs support with positive trigger words.
SP: Well, let’s get to our next question. What are your feelings . . .
HC: What are my feelings about Russian intervention in the elections?
SP: How did you know that was my question?
HC: Modesty forbids an answer to that question. But let me answer the one about the Russians. It was clearly a defining point in the election. We had Donald Trump right where we wanted him. And remember, we won the popular vote. But the Russians spied on us and hacked our emails. That was unfair. On top of that, the Republicans had to be behind the whole thing. That was proven by the result, if nothing else.
SP: You must have other reasons for the loss. Surely, you . . .
HC: Thank you, Donna. You are going to ask me about the woman factor. Let’s not mince words. The word is misogyny! Donald Trump hates women as well as everyone else, except white males. They played the bigot card and won. I won’t condescend to that level, myself. That’s not what America stands for and that’s not what I am about.
SP: Truly, you are a brave woman. But what happened? More than fifty percent of the population is women. Perhaps a recount is in order.
HC: Ah, you have hit on one of the paradoxes of this election. And the answer is that right-wing mancave, Fox News. Yes, Fox News! They intimidate women as extensive research has shown. If the FCC had done its job and stopped their hate speech in its tracks as they should have, the election would not have been stolen. I don’t understand why the capitals of our national conscience . . .
SP: Colleges and universities?
HC: Yes, very good. If the values of our universities where enforced against the all-important Fourth Estate, our constitution would have remained intact. Unfortunately, higher learning has got to do a better job of controlling the hurtful speech of some of these rogue elements that materialize as capitalist tools.
SP: But you have done . . .
HC: Thank you, Donna. I have done all I can to remove the intimidating influence of men. Having run for president twice makes me an expert on the techniques of male dominance used in campaigns.
SP: But that includes . . .
HC: It includes Barack Obama, but I found him particularly enlightened – an exception to the rule – otherwise I wouldn’t have served in his cabinet. As Secretary of State, I was in an ideal position to view the way men intimidate women, which is why we must be unified in the future. I didn’t let that old desert rat, Gaddafi, intimidate me. So why did I let Vlad the Impaler Putin push my reset button? It was my way of signaling to American women the very fact that he was pushing all our buttons. He doesn’t like strong women.
SP: That was very clever symbolism.
HC: Thank you. I knew you would see it my way.
SP: That’s why I am here. Since you brought up men, let’s talk about John Podesta.
HC: That would be a violation of his privacy. He still has that right, even if I’m not employing him anymore.
SP: Very well, but he did say some things that were – shall we say – controversial.
HC: Are you quoting from that stolen material, which has not been proven to be true.
SP: You mean the Wiki . . .
HC: I don’t comment on alleged transcripts of Russian hacked materials.
SP: I understand completely. I only wanted to give you the chance to express your rage.
HC: I am outraged!
SP: Speaking of that, let’s move on to James Comey. He seemed to be playing some sort of a game with you. Yet, the presidency was at stake.
HC: Well, there you go again. The man problem. I think you can see the misogyny connection pop up once more. It seems so obvious to have all these charges Trumped up, so to speak, and then nothing comes from it.
SP: Aren’t you in a protected class?
HC: Uh, what. Oh, yes well, that is true, but let’s stay in the real world, because we aren’t always protected in the real world. You’ve mentioned one more reason for me to have been president. We are constantly challenged by injustice and the lack of equity for women and minorities, not to mention presidential glass ceilings. If we could only break through the presidential glass ceiling, we could make a new start and provide women with all that they need in life to be like me, not that they have to be exactly like me, but so that women can have successful careers with publicly supplied birth control in all forms.
SP: It was only logical that you should do for American woman what Barack Obama did for people of color.
HC: You have a good point. Alas, it is a cruel irony to be beaten by the Russians.
SP: Anyway, we were talking about James Comey. He came up with those fake stories about you. Do you regret not taking other actions – legal actions, of course – to equalize the playing field with the Russians and Trump?
HC: Absolutely! I knew Bill should have had a more stern talk with Loretta on that tarmac. Mmmmm, Donna, what’s got into you – putting your hand on my mouth like that.
SP: Ms. Brazile, that is a big piece of paper.
HC: Say, would you mind redacting that last comment I just made from the record. Sometimes we just say something that isn’t quite what we mean.
SP: Sure, no problem.
⃰ Contentious rumors initiated by left-wing character assassins accusing the author of a Russian connection are hereby denied.